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Wordiness Part 3

Pomposities

The following phrases waste words, dance around the subject or put on airs. All add fog to writing and make it more difficult to understand. The alternatives are short and to the point. They replace fog with light.

afford him the opportunity to	let him		lacked the ability to	could not
after this is accomplished	then		make an adjustment	adjust
assuming that	if		make inquiry of	ask
at some point in time	some day		make the acquaintance of	meet
at this point in time	now		make use of	use
come to an end	end		notwithstanding the fact that	even though
due to the fact that	because, since		of a confidential nature	confidential
during the time that	when		omitting from consideration	disregarding
except in a very few instances	usually		on account of the fact that	because
face up to	face		on the order of magnitude of	as large as
for the purpose of	to		preventive maintenance	upkeep
for the reason that	because		prior to	before
give consideration to	consider		render assistance	help
give encouragement to	encourage		sooner or later	eventually
in close proximity	near		subsequent to	after
in order to implement	to begin, start		take into consideration	consider
in short supply	scarce		the only difference being	except
in the event that	if		the question as to whether	whether
in the first place	first		there are not many who	few
in the not too distant future	soon, one day		to optimize the utilization	best use
in view of the circumstance	therefore		utilization possibilities	possible uses
involve the necessity of	require		we now have the opportunity	we now can
is defined as	is		with reference to	about
is of the opinion that	believes		with the exception of	except
it is often the case that	often		within the realm of possibility	possible

8. Doubtletalk

Redundancies just say the same thing twice. They clutter up the message. They reflect writing without thought.

8 p.m. that evening	foot pedal	red color
absolutely necessary	four in number	redo again
actual truth	freezing cold	refer back
advance planning	friend of mine	rise up
ahead in the future	honest truth	shouted out
ask the question	I thought to myself	signed their names
assembled together	important essentials	small in size
at a later date	in close proximity	split apart
attached hereto	joined together	still remain
basic fundamentals	lead pencil	sum total
both alike	likely probability	surrounding circumstances
both of them	long-range future	targeted goals
color crayon	loud sounding	the month of January
concealed from sight	major priorities	totally unnecessary
consensus of opinion	members of the team	true facts
cooperate together	mental telepathy	tuna fish
count up	necessary requirements	typed up
critical priorities	new baby	ultimate effect
current events of the day	open up	ultimate goals
disastrous defeat	other alternatives	vacillate back and forth
distinguish them apart	over again	very unique
enclosed you will find	past history	viable alternatives
end result	patently obvious	weather conditions
estimated to be about	pooled together	weather outside
fall down	postpone until later	went away
final conclusion	preliminary estimates	wept tears
final decision	principal purposes	where is he at
first start	proceed ahead	worst kind
flushed red	reason is because	written down

9. Worn out cliches

Clichès can spice up language when used carefully and sparingly. But the ones below have been so overworked that they have lost their power evoke an image.

against the grain	get a leg up on	one fell swoop
all in all	get to the bottom of	out and out
as you may recall	gone but not forgotten	out on a limb
at arm’s length	grasp at straws	over a barrel
back to square one	grind to a halt	over and done with
back to the drawing board	hat in the ring	par for the course
beat around the bush	have half a mind	proud possessor
best-laid schemes	Herculean efforts	pull out all the stops
better safe than sorry	hit below the belt	rock the boat
beyond shadow of a doubt	horse of a different color	roll with the punches
bottom line	if the shoe fits, wear it	second to none
bury the hatchet	if the truth were known	sign of the times
calm before the storm	in my opinion	skating on thin ice
cat’s meow	in the last analysis	sneaking suspicion
cautious optimism	in the long run	sooner or later
change of scene	in this day and age	start from scratch
come up for air	it goes without saying	state of the art
conspicuous by their absence	it has come to our attention	stem the tide
crack of dawn	keep your eyes peeled	survived the test of time
cream of the crop	keep your fingers crossed	take it or leave it
draw the line at	last but not least	the powers that be
drop in a bucket	last-ditch effort	then and there
dyed in the wool	lesser of two evils	through thick and thin
easier said than done	let sleeping dogs lay	throw light on
epic struggle	let the cat out of the bag	tighten your belt
eternal vigilance	let’s face it	tip of the iceberg
face the music	live and let live	toe the line
fall by the wayside	make no bone about it	train of thought
far be it from me	make the best of bad situation	trials and tribulations
feast or famine	make the best of it	tried and true
few and far between	method in their madness	turn back the clock
first and foremost	mind over matter	unvarnished truth
fish out of water	moment of truth	venture a suggestion
for all intents and purposes	more or less	water over the dam
for what it’s worth	needless to say	wave of the future
foregone conclusion	no sooner said than done	well and good
fraught with danger	not my cup of tea	with all due respect
from bad to worse	off the beaten track	worse for the wear

Charts from http://www.bpa.gov/corporate/kcc/circuit/99ci/ci0299/writetoreach.shtml

Avoid Nominal Style
Many verbs have related nouns: you can decide or come to a decision, complain or make a complaint, lecture or give a lecture, know or have knowledge, explain or give an explanation.

A sentence built around an active verb is usually clearer, shorter, and more emphatic than a sentence built around nouns and noun phrases. Most drafters overuse nominal style and need to be trained to prefer verbal style.

Don’t Use	Use
to implement pupil behavior management techniques…	to manage pupils’ behavior
established a contractual relationship with…	contracted with
has knowledge or suspicion that…	knows or suspects that…
make application for	apply for
make payment for	pay for
make provision for	provide for
upon X’s request to Y	if X asks Y
upon a determination by X that	if X determines that

For example, “to have an adverse impact on the environment” could mean “to harm the environment” or “to disturb the environment” or any of a number of verbs. Nominals of this kind are harder to spot and correct, so learn to concentrate meaning in your verbs in the very first draft.

From http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm

Fat	Lean
12 midnight	midnight
12 noon	noon
3 am in the morning	3 am
absolutely spectacular/phenomenal	spectacular/phenomenal
a person who is honest	an honest person
a total of 14 birds	14 birds
biography of her life	biography
circle around	circle
close proximity	proximity
complete opposite	opposite
consensus of opinion	consensus
cooperate together	cooperate
each and every	each
enclosed herewith	enclosed
end result	result
exactly the same	the same
final completion	completion
frank and honest exchange	frank exchange or honest exchange
free gift	gift
he/she is a person who . . .	he/she
important/basic essentials	essentials
in spite of the fact that	although
in the field of economics/law enforcement	in economics/law enforcement
in the event that	if
new innovations	innovations
one and the same	the same
particular interest	interest
period of four days	four days
personally, I think/feel	I think/feel (better, cut it)
personal opinion	opinion
puzzling in nature	puzzling
refer back	refer
repeat again	repeat
return again	return
revert back	revert
shorter/longer in length	shorter/longer
small/large in size	small/large
square/round/rectangular in shape	square/round/rectangular
summarize briefly	summarize
surrounded on all sides	surrounded
the future to come	the future
there is no doubt but that	no doubt
usual/habitual custom	custom
we are in receipt of	we have received

Here is Why (From an English Teacher)
I was insisting that they strike out “as a matter of fact” and “in the present writer’s considered opinion” and other plump phrases which they were counting on to help them reach that incredible length. And I wouldn’t let them begin with a paragraph that announced “In this paper I shall try to demonstrate that . . .” and end by noting that “In this paper I believe I have demonstrated that . . . .” How would they ever make 500 words if they had to strike out half of them as “needless”?

The answer to this question is in Strunk and White, too: “Use definite, specific, concrete language.” When a writer uses specific details and concrete examples he seldom has to worry about filling up his pages. He can afford to cut needless verbiage. Students found this hard to believe. A sentence I got from a paper at Saint Peter’s College served me for years as a demonstration. I often put it on the board:

In our household we have a situation where it is necessary for my father to do most of the cooking because my mother works at night.

From this 26-word sentence I cut the 13 needless ones, leaving the same message:

My father does most of our cooking because my mother works at night.

Then I built it back to 26 words by supplying details, making it more lively at the same time.

My mother works at night, so Dad fries hamburgers or makes spaghetti for our suppers. He’s good at chili and brownies, but his cakes usually fall.

My students doubted that this was the way “educated” people ought to write. “Everything you tell us about writing is exactly the opposite of what I was taught in high school”. Their high school teachers had urged them to enlarge their vocabularies by adding polysyllabic abstractions. I remember it myself from my ancient times: “Learn a new word every day and use it three times in a sentence to make it your own.” The more big words you could handle, the more intelligent you would sound. So a student writing of a visit to the dentist says: “The smell of that dentist office is still impregnated in my mind and nose.” She is surprised when I suggest that she say it more directly: “I can still smell that office.” Better yet, list the smells: the mouthwash, the chemical gunk to form the mold for a crown, the burning of the high speed drill through enamel. Another students writes: “The boy was in a supine position on the grass.” What does that mean, I ask. “The boy was lying on the grass,” he translates. He was proud of supine.

My freshmen were already developing one of the faults of educated writers: preferring the long word to the short one. They would rather purchase than buy; they would rather maintain than keep; they would rather liquidate their obligations than pay their bills.

The brightest ones were often infected with another learned fault, a fault that is rife among faculty writers: the addiction to verbal nouns. The word “addiction” is a verbal noun. It is the name of an action. Verbal nouns are perfectly respectable, but when used in large quantities they make prose heavy and pompous. “He has good adaptability to new situations,” a professor writes in a letter recommending a student. “Adaptability” is a verbal noun, longer and more passive than the verb buried in it, “adapt.” The professor could have said, “He adapts well to new situations,” but he rejects the verb in order to sound more impressive. It’s not surprising that an ambitious student imitates this construction: “My grandfather’s contribution to the fun was considerable.” “Contribution” has a verb buried in it, “contribute.” Behind that Latinized verb is a plain English verb as old as Chaucer, “add.” I’d point out to my freshmen that when the writer digs out the verb and uses that as his predicate: “My grandfather added a lot to the fun,” he makes his grandfather sound livelier.

But I’d have to reassure these freshmen again and again that I wasn’t disparaging a good vocabulary or trying to make them write a “See Jane run” kind of prose. I tried to make them see that when they expressed themselves honestly, instead of trying to show off their big words, they wrote better prose.

Humble about their own ideas and experiences, they couldn’t believe that they should go into detail about, say, a summer job. The girl who had been a waitress at an expensive resort wrote:

The meal hours were a great trial because so many of the guests had special requirements which I was supposed to anticipate. My memory and my patience were sorely tried by the peculiar demands of many of the guests at her tables.

I wrote in the margin that these generalizations repeated each other. “What did they demand?” I asked, when she came in to talk about her paper. “What were these special requirements?” She recalled that one woman insisted that the cream be warmed before she poured it on her oatmeal, a man wanted one piece of white toast and one piece of whole wheat with his eggs, another man wanted coffee with his meal while his wife wanted hers afterwards. I advised her to put them into her story.

“But I thought all those details would be boring,” she said.

How many times I had to repeat it: “Details are not boring. Generalizations are boring!”

Last updated 9/18/06